The Adventures of Thunder Women
Chapter 1, How it All Began
It all started on one cold winter night, at Kevin’s apartment. There was Kevin, Rob, Mike, and this tall but skinny fellow, who everyone called Cardboard. This is because Cardboard is tall, skinny, and flimsy like a piece of cardboard. They were all enjoying a beer, while watching the hockey match together. They were also talking amongst themselves about whatever was on their minds. Cardboard shared a story of his old job as a clerk at The Shell gas station. He explained that he had gotten fired, because he had a supposable bee sting on his right eye. He had to miss work for medical treatment, which in result got him fired. He also mentioned that he was in charge of the money deposits into the safe at his old job. Mike became very interested about this safe, and asked “do you know the combination to this safe”? Cardboard replied “yes but I can’t remember it”. Mike became very dissatisfied with his answer and kept pressuring Cardboard to tell him the combination. As Mike was pressuring Cardboard to give him the combination, Rob said “For fucks sake, just tell him the combination already Cardboard”. There was a brief silence. Cardboard then said “fine, 22-26-34” quickly as he didn’t want Mike to hear it. Mike then quickly grabbed a pen, and some paper. He went to the bathroom, and wrote the numbers down as quickly as he could without anyone noticing. Mike then drank a couple beers, and told Kevin he had to leave. Everyone then said “good-bye”, and other friendly gestures as Mike left.
Now Mike had a long walk ahead of him in the blistering cold. His house was about 6 blocks away. He kept the piece of paper with the combination on it, very safe. After one hour later, Mike finally got home. When he got home he laid down on his bed for a brief minute then made a call. He called his friend Sean, who happened to be African-American. When Sean answered the phone, Mike explained that he wanted to do a job, and hit The Shell gas station safe. Mike said to Sean “send me your three craziest niggers, honk twice when they’re here, tell them to have their best disguises on, and bring some “Roofies”. Sean said “okay, they will be there in less than an hour”. As Mike was getting excited, he couldn’t think of a clever disguise. It then hit him, there was some of his sisters clothes and a blonde wig in the closet. So he put on a black lace shirt, tight blue jeans, a tight leather jacket, the blonde wig, and also put some make-up on. Then Thunder Women was born!
Chapter 2 Rollin’ Out
Honk, honk went the car that pulled up in front of Thunder Women’s house. Thunder Women then walked out to the car. He then opened the back left hand side door and crawled in the car. The three people in the car didn’t know who this women was. Then the driver said “whoa Mike is that you? Thunder Women Then Replied “yes! This is my disguise” as they were dressed in all black. They had a quick chuckle, but Thunder Women wasn’t playing any games. He said “what the fuck is this I told Sean to send me his three craziest niggers! You guys aren’t real niggers”. They were East Indian’s. The East Indian in the front passenger seat said as he lifted up his finger, “we are real niggers”. Mike or Thunder Women Then said, “no, your camel cowboys, let’s go” Thunder Women gave them directions to the Shell gas station. Which he knew the combination to the safe. As the three camel cowboys, and Thunder Women were driving to The Shell. Thunder Women asked for the Roofies. One of the camel cowboys then passed him a bag of roofies. Thunder Women then asked for something to drink. Someone handed him a bottle of water. Thunder Women then popped two Roofies with some water. All three camel cowboys yelled “NO!, What are you doing” Thunder Women said don’t worry they give me super powers. Now all three camel cowboys were in shock.
Soon afterwards they approached the Shell slowly. In the parking lot the three camel cowboys were getting ready, they had knives they were going to use to threaten the store clerks. Thunder Women said “what the hell are you guys doing?, we don’t need weapons do you see those two guys in there. They are skrony, we can take them”. The three camel cowboys put their weapons down and hid them in the car. As they entered the store, Thunder Women yelled to the store clerks “I’m just a cross dresser, look I don’t have any weapons”. The store clerks were surprised. Then Thunder Women said “don’t press that fucking magic button or I’ll kill you!” the store clerk behind the register complied. Thunder Women jumped over the counter and asked the three camel cowboys “which one of you camel cowboys is the best with combination safes”. They quickly looked and one and other and decided who was He said “I am”. He then approached the safe and Thunder Women lost the combination but luckily remembered it off by heart and yelled “22-26-34”. There were two clerks who were witnessing everything. One of them didn’t mind, he just thought it was cool they were going to open the safe. The other one though, he had attitude, he wanted to be a hero and try and stop the thief’s. So Thunder Women punched the hell out of him and forced a couple roofies down his throat, then said “open the cash register”, the clerk said no, so Thunder women smashed his head against the register a few times, pushed one of the buttons and said, “don’t you just press enter a bunch of times” the register then opened. Now the roofies were kicking into the store clerks system. Thunder Women ordered him to go in front of the cashier’s desk. Thunder Women then ordered the stupid cashier to poop and pee himself at the same time while running to one side of the store and back. Thunder Women said “trust me it will make you feel good”. Under the impression of the roofies the cashier did it. Then Thunder women told the stupid cashier to fight the good cashier in a fight. The stupid cashier started fighting the other cashier. Thunder women laughed and so did the camel cowboys. Now Thunder women said to the roofied cashier, if he wanted to fight him. The roofied cashier shook his head no. Thunder Women laughed. Soon afterwards a customer came into the store. Thunder Women jumped up and said “hey! Don’t worry about it where just robbing the store”. Thunder women opened a bag of beef jerky and said “Here want some”. The customer looked confused. Thunder Women then said “what the fuck do you want” to the customer. The customer just said “I came here to buy cigarettes”. Thunder women casually walked to where the cigarettes were and grabbed a few packs, and threw them at the customer, while saying “now, fuck off”. The customer left. A few minutes went by ,then Thunder women decided to open a pack of cigarettes for himself. As he was sitting on the cashier desk, He opened a pack of cigarettes and calmly lit one up, and was talking to the camel cowboys “wow, you know it’s hard been a super hero, you help everyone and the police hate you its hard you know”. Then Thunder Women asked the camel cowboy who was working on opening the safe “have you almost opened it yet” the camel cowboy said “yeah one second” turned the handle and sure enough the safe opened. The camel cowboy looked at Thunder Women with a blank stare. Thunder Women then said “what are you waiting for, grab some grocery bags and fill em up”. The camel cowboy jumped up and started filling up a grocery bag. Thunder Women then whispered in the compliant good store clerk’s ear. As the camel cowboys and Thunder Women left, Thunder Women said as he pointed towards the security camera “that’s what you get for firing someone who had a bee sting on his eye ball. Watch out drug dealers, Thunder Women’s in town, and I'm coming for your drugs and money, unless its good legal tender!
Chapter 3 – The Get Away
Thunder Women and the camel cowboys fled the store and jumped into the car. The one compliant good clerk followed them outside. The camel cowboys were getting anxious and asking what he’s doing. Thunder women said don't worry about it, and rolled the window down. The clerk said “hey, Thunder Women said he'd give me half the money stolen if I didn't call the cops for 2 hours. The camel cowboys didn't like this. Thunder women then yelled “just give him a couple hundred to keep his mouth shut”. The camel cowboys then gave the clerk a couple hundred dollars. They then drove away. Thunder women wanted to go to his friend Cliffs house, but the camel cowboys didn't want to. They argued for a brief minute. Thunder Women, been under the influence of the roofies was easy to manipulate. Thunder Women asked for half the money, and wanted to walk away. The camel cowboys then said, “get out of the car”. Thunder women then got out of the car and said “call me if you need me, Thunder Women at your service” and walked home without any money, as the camel cowboys sped off. When Thunder Women got home he fell asleep for about 20 mintues, only to be woken by a phone call. It was the camel cowboys, they said “hey Thunder Women we have another job for you, we want to rob a coke dealer!” Thunder Women said “sure”.
Chapter 4 – Shit Goes Down
Thunder Women still in his disguise waited for the camel cowboys. The camel cowboys pulled up in the drive way and honked twice. Thunder Women then went out and jumped in the car. The camel cowboys said they were going to rob this coke dealer named Jessica. Thunder Women said “alright, give me another roofie though, my super powers are running out”. One of the camel cowboy handed him a roofie. Thunder Women then swollowed it. The car sped off, and soon arrived to the house. Thunder women said “here go in there before me and tell the guys in there that you have a surprise for them, and whistle when you’re in the door” the camel cowboys said “okay” and headed to the door. The camel cowboys then knocked on the door. A guy answered, and the camel cowboys said “We have a special surprise girl for you”. The guy seemed happy. One of the camel cowboy then whistled for Thunder Women to come to the door.
Thunder Women entered the house and seen a plate of coke sitting on the table. Took a deep breath and blew all the coke off the plate. Then said “hey crackies, Thunder Women’s in town!” Everyone in the house got mad, except one girl who started laughing. The camel cowboys laughed too. One guy seemed very mad, so did Jessica. Thunder Women then started punching everyone in the face. Everyone was still coming to terms that there was a guy dressed as a girl. Then someone grabbed a knife. Thunder women disarmed him by twisting his wrist and stabbed him and dropped the knife. Thunder Women got in a big brawl with two men, as Jessica was yelling “fucking kill him!” Thunder Women was able to knock one of the guys out. But then all of a sudden the one other guy grabbed the knife and jumped on Thunder Women. Put the knife to his cheek and said “I'm gunna put a nice smile on your face” Thunder Women tried to fight back and yelled to the camel cowboys “help! You god damn camel cowboys!” Then the camel cowboys grabbed the guy off Thunder Women. Thunder Women Grabbed the knife and said “just for that everyone dies!” Thunder Women stabbed the guy to death, stabbed the girl to death, then he was about to stab one of the camel cowboys as he didn't mean to. The camel cowboys then quickly said “no!”. Thunder Women said “ohh right the camel cowboys are my guys”
Chapter 5 – Fuckin' Up Jessica
As everyone was dead, except the camel cowboys, Thunder Women, and Jessica. The camel cowboys grabbed a big bag of coke off the table and a pile of money. Then said “okay lets go”. Thunder Women then said “ohh no, where not done here, not nearly done here yet”. Then started to smack Jessica around. Grabbed her by the hair and dragged her around the room. Thunder Women said “where is it, where is it!”. Jessica while crying said “where’s what”. Thunder Women said “don't play fucking games with me where are the keys” Jessica said “what keys”. Thunder Women Replied “you know what keys, the fucking kilo's of cocaine you stupid bitch”. Thunder Women then still grabbing her by the hair smacked her really hard a few times against the table. Jessica cried “In the closet, In the closet”. The camel cowboys seemed surprised. They then went to open the closet, they opened it and behind some boxes there was about six big kilo sized bags of cocaine and a big pile of cash. They grabbed all the bags and the money. Thunder women said “Jessica can keep the cash if its good legal tender”. One of the camel cowboys said “I don't think its legal tender”. Thunder women said “no, I don't think so either” Then Thunder women grabbed one of the kilos of cocaine and said “I've always wanted to do this”. He then grabbed a knife cut a little slit in the bag and took a quite big knife full of coke and sniffed it. Then said “Its Pure”. Thunder women grabbed a loose bag and grabbed a bunch of the coke by his hands, filled it up and said “these are my personals”. Also he grabbed a big wod of money and filled his pocket. The camel cowboys then sped off in their car with all the coke and money, except what Thunder Women had. Thunder Women then started walking towards his house, stopping to do a line of coke once in awhile.
Chapter 6 – The Divinchi
Thunder Women got home, quickly got dressed into his normal clothes, took off the make-up and then became Mike again. Mike decided he wanted to go to his local bar. So he headed to“The Divinchi” which was a couple blocks from his home. In the Divinchi there was a small set of steps going up to the spacious bar, and next to the stairs was a large bocce ball court. He has a pocket full of money and cocaine. Mike entered the bar and ordered a pint of beer. He then sat next to a couple people at one of the tables and started chatting. There was quite alot of people in the bar. Mike then convinced everyone to start pitching in money to buy large pitchers of beer to share. The barmaid who everyone called “skippy” was happy with the amount of beer everyone was buying. As Mike was enjoying his beer, he lit up a cigarette inside the bar which was not allowed. Skippy then said, “Mike what are you doing, you can’t smoke in here”. Mike said “ohh yeah what are you going to do about it, call the cops?”. Skippy replied “yeah”. Mike grabbed the phone out of her hand and disconnected it, while continuing to smoke. Other people then started smoking in the bar. Skippy herself said “Ahh fuck it, everyone else is smoking I mayswell too”, and lit up a smoke herself. As everyone was drinking, smoking, and having a good time, skippy said “Okay, last call”. Everyone got mad. Mike then threatened skippy with a knife and got her to lock the doors, and continue serving booze to everyone. Skippy complied and started drinking herself. It was past 3 o clock in the morning, a cop noticed through the window that the bar was still serving alcohol and tried knocking on the door. No one let him in. As the police officer continued knocking on the door. Mike went to the window and pulled his pants down and mooned the police officer. The cop got mad and called back-up. More cops arrived and demanded the people in the bar open the door and let them in. Everyone was getting worried except Mike. He then got a piece of paper and a pen and started writing a list of demands. A few people started thinking of what Mike could write on the list. Eventually they thought of a black hawk helicopter, bazooka, machine guns and a lot of more silly demands. Mike then quickly opened the door and threw the list outside and closed the door fast. One of the cops read the note and laughed as it was getting late. One cop said “ahh, there not causing any harm their just drunk and having a good time”. The cops decided to just leave.
Chapter 7 – Things Get Crazy
As the cops left Mike then busted out the cocaine he had in his pocket. Some people got high and drunk. Mike then offered a line of coke to skippy the bar maid. She said “No”. Mike then said trust me you'll like it. She then took a small line, and said “Wow that was great”. Mike then used someone’s cell phone and started inviting people to the bar. Lots of people started showing up. As the bar was getting busy they started making the main back bar area a VIP area, where Mike and a couple random people he wanted around would sit and drink. Everyone else had to go to the bocce ball court, which became a big dance floor where hundreds of people were. As time went by celebrities started hearing about the crazy party and started showing up. There was Eminem, Nicki Minaj, Rihanna, and alot more celebrities there. Mike started getting people to throw money in a big pile as a cover charge. Mike offered Eminem a line of coke but, he declined as he was becoming sober. Mike then said “hey want to see me do a Thunder Women line of coke”. The people he was sitting with said “yeah, sure”. Mike then cut a really big line of coke, took a deep breath and sniffed the whole line in one big swoop. Eminem laughed and then left. More and more people started showing upto the bar. Even United States president Barack Obama was there, sitting at Mike’s table. Mike was mingling with all the important people who were sitting at his table. Drinking beer, smoking cigarettes and doing the odd line of coke. Everyone was having a great time. After Mike was really drunk and high. He fell aslseep next to the big pile of cash he was collecting from everyone. It was about 6 in the morning. Mike then woke up around 8 o clock in the evening, he was surprised the party was still happening and forgot where he was.
He got up and continued drinking and getting high on coke. He had a crush on Rihanna and was harassing her. Calling her baby, and hitting on her. Rihanna was uncomfortable. Skippy the bartender said “I don't trust all these American's here Mike”. As lots of them had guns. As the party continued someone offered Mike a puff of a marijuana joint. Mike took a puff, and soon became very paranoid. He was having very bad anxiety on the weed, as this drug was Mikes Kryponite. He then got up and said “Okay parties over guys, Last one standing gets all the money here in the pile, I've had enough of this and want to go home.” Everyone became shocked. Barack Obama was taken out by his security straight away. Mike asked for a hand gun off this guy in a white suit. The man gave him a glock. Then the man started shooting everyone on the bocce ball court from up above at the VIP section with his UZI. Rihanna then grabbed a revolver. Mike said to her “how about we kill some people who don't deserve this money” and walked her towards the part of the VIP section that looked over the bocce ball court. Mike then aimed his gun downwards. BANG went the revolver from Rihannas gun. She shot Mike in the face. Mike was in disbelief as he fell to the ground. Rihanna then said “You didn't deserve to live” and laughed. Everyone was running out of the building and everything was chaotic. There were bodies everywhere. Skippy said “I knew this was a bad idea”, and ran out of the building.
Some of Mikes friends rushed him to the hospital. Mike was in a coma. A few months passed and the doctors saw Mike started to improve, they told his mom that she could take him home and he should wake up within a couple weeks. So she took him home and tucked him into bed. Mike opened his eyes for the first time breifly. He heard his mom say “get better soon Mike”. Then fell back into the coma. About a week later he woke up confused, and was in his bed at his house. He had a gunshot wound on his right cheek. He said “Damn, what happened”. As he has only vague memories of what happened.